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Gay and Lesbian

The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World
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The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

 
 
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Description

The gay male world today is characterized by seductive beauty, artful creativity, flamboyant sexuality, and, encouragingly, unprecedented acceptability in society. Yet despite the progress of the recent past, gay men still find themselves asking, "Are we really better off?" The inevitable byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, a shame gay men may strive to obscure with a fa?ade of beauty, creativity, or material success. Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author's own journey to be free of anger and of shame, as well as the stories of many of his friends and clients, The Velvet Rage outlines the three distinct stages to emotional well-being for gay men. Offering profoundly beneficial strategies to stop the insidious cycle of avoidance and self-defeating behavior, The Velvet Rage is an empowering book that will influence the public discourse on gay culture, and positively change the lives of gay men who read it.


Product Details
Author:Alan Downs
Paperback:224 pages
Publisher:Da Capo Press
Publication Date:May 30, 2006
Language:English
ISBN:0738210617
Product Length:8.2 inches
Product Width:5.4 inches
Product Height:0.7 inches
Product Weight:0.5 pounds
Package Length:8.19 inches
Package Width:5.51 inches
Package Height:0.63 inches
Package Weight:0.49 pounds
Average Customer Rating: based on 70 reviews

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Average Customer Review:4.5 ( 70 customer reviews )
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50 of 51 found the following review helpful:


4Life Changing Book for Me  May 17, 2006 By Ching-te Peng "another reader"
I had reviewed all the comments posted here before I purchased the book because I usually like to get some general ideas of books I am interested in. After receiving and reviewing my copy, I'd like to say this is a great book. This book is very valuable for me personally.

So I knew I was not the 'targeted audience' (a gay white male from a middle-class family) before I began the book. I am an immigrant in Canada who grew up in Asia and didn't come to North America for school until I was 18. With that in mind, I read it really carefully. I swear I couldn't agree more with almost all of his theories. Some of the chapters almost brought me to tears. I WAS ashamed of being gay for the longest time and was not even aware of it! If Dr. Downs' generalizing theories are also applicable to me, a foreign man to this continent, how does this work?

Next, I can only guess that Dr. Downs had to target the medium gay crowd in order to reach and communicate to the most numbers of gay readers efficiently. After all, most gay people ARE in the 'average' category in its own subculture. I just don't believe it was his intention to publish this book like it was the most indisputable and verified piece of clinical work. If this book is indeed a lengthy-research paper with numbers and formulas, how many people will be interested in and capable of reading that? I'd say it is much better for someone like him to write about something typical than no one writes about nothing at all. Generalization can be the beginning to a greater understanding.

It also frustrates me when some of the people below don't even bother to read carefully what Dr. Downs had to say about setting the book's parameter of topics and discussion before they review the book. He DID mention about lesbians and acknowledge their difficult coming out experiences as well. But like this book's title suggests, it is about "gay men," so what is so bad not to include lesbians and transgender/transsexuals?

A lot of the materials covered in the book are good advices for me. It does not cover the whole spectrum of coming-out experiences, but `complete perfection' shouldn't be the expectation you should impose onto this book. For someone searching anything close to the `truth' of being gay, this could be a good read.

PS. I have also purchased "Coming Out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives" by Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael. This book, on the other hand, is much more clinically written than the Velvet Rage.

69 of 73 found the following review helpful:


5Buy this book -- you won't regret it!  Feb 05, 2006 By Joseph Denney
My copy arrrived yesterday, and it turns out that the publisher's review about the book on Amazon is completely misleading -- in fact, it's awful. Far from being a book centered on "fabulousness" (if there is such a word), creativity, and material success, this book describes just about every gay man I have ever met -- including me. While it does mention these subjects in passing, probably 99% of the book talks about how the kind of behavior we have come to think of as "normal" and even expect from gay men (judgmental, prone to gossip, secretive, perfectionist, quick to blame, body-image problems, and more) is a way of dealing with the feeling most of us have had from childhood -- that of being "second-class citizens."

Yes, these character traits do not apply to all gay men, but my guess is that at least one of the areas Dr. Downs talks about applies to every gay man on this board. The important thing to note is that this is not a book about blame, but rather explaining where these behaviors come from, and best of all, how to change them. For those of us who have never even seen a healthy gay relationship, much less been in one, he's got a whole chapter on those.

Trust me on this one, guys, BUY THIS BOOK! If you read it and it turns out none of what Dr. Downs talks about applies to you, then not only are you welcome to tell me so on this board, but if you're anywhere within driving distance of Los Angeles, I will take you out to dinner, because I definitely need more people like you in my life. For the rest of us, this book offers a picture of what an emotionally healthy gay man looks like, and a roadmap to getting there.

34 of 35 found the following review helpful:


5A Must for any Clinician working with Gay Men!  Jun 02, 2005 By Nesha Morse, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Downs has written an honest and straight forward book that speaks to the direct effects of homophobia on the psychological development of gay men. In The Velvet Rage, the author has taken a tremendous risk with his honesty. He has been willing to expose the truth about how the invalidation of this culture has resulted in self-loathing, over-compensation, and high-risk behaviors in the gay community. It gives the reader a window into the potential "whys" of these behaviors which in turn validates the experience of the gay man.

Dr. Downs beautifully illustrates the problems through anecdotes from his psychology practice and his own life. I look forward to sharing this book with my gay male clients both adult and adolescent as well as parents and family members who are trying to understand their loved one. This book is a potential road-map or guide for how to avoid some of these outcomes with gay teenagers who may be starting to develop similar behaviors and character traits. It is a must read for anyone working with gay youth.

In addition, Dr. Downs suggests clear solutions and provides positive examples which instill hope and optimism. His suggestions on how to overcome or prevent these outcomes from developing come from his very solid understanding of cognitive behavioral theory and humanistic psychology. I highly recommend The Velvet Rage.

23 of 26 found the following review helpful:


5Very readable with surprising insights  May 31, 2005 By Steven C. Sugarman
I have to admit that I was a bit skeptical when I picked up this book. While the subject matter is extremely interesting to me, I feared that this book would not tackle the real issues. It seems that so many authors writing in this field tend to subscribe to a "victim model": gay men have been victimized and/or marginalized by the stratight world.

As a gay man, I have always found this approach somewhat less than satisfying. Sure, gay men are "different" and, unfortunately, continue to grapple with issues of subtle (and increasingly not-so-subtle) discrimination. However, all the carping that takes place in the "victimization model" seems to miss one critical fact: we all make choices in our lives, and about our lives, that drives our experiences as humans.

Downs directly addresses these issues of personal choice, and that's what sets his book apart from the others. Downs' book goes way beyond the societal issues that gay men confront on a day-to-day basis, and encourages gay men to make good choices that ENHANCE their lives, and to stop making bad choices that DEVALUE their lives and self-esteem. In this sense, the book is incredibly empowering. To understand that every gay man -- as an individual -- can make big and small choices that enrich his life and his relationships, even despite a predominantly straight and disapproving culture, is to break free of the victim mentality and to move on to a fully actualized life.

Downs urges his readers to take an honest self-inventory of destructive patterns and behaviors that hold them back from accomplishing great things: most importantly self-love and an honest, patient, and abiding love for a partner. Three cheers for Downs. This book should be a "must read" for any gay man who is committed to becoming his absolute best self in an increasingly crazy world.

Bravo!

14 of 15 found the following review helpful:


5Made a PROFOUND difference in my son's perception of himself  Aug 22, 2006 By Joan E. Wear "Joan Wear"
These are the exact words my gay son wrote to me after reading this book, The Velvet Rage:

"I finally opened up and read the book you bought me, "The Velvet Rage". I was totally blown away by it. It touched on subjects in a way I have never seen before, issues that are unique to gay men. I related to many, if not most parts of it. It described aspects of my personality and reasons for certain behaviors that I had never realized in myself before. It will give me a lot to discuss with the doctor when I see him."

Parents, family or friends of troubled gay men should all buy this book ASAP and send it to them. It took my son around 2 months to get around to reading it, but I suppose all have to do things in their own time, when 'they' are ready.

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